My Story -

I never, I mean I really NEVER, planned on serving a mission.That was for boys and....other girls. Not for me. Let's be honest, I just wasn't up to it. And that was A-OK with me. In fact, I was going to get married right out of high school, have the average 1.5 children and live happily ever after as a through-and-through house wife. End of story. But, somehow, here I am. Let's rewind a little ways and I'll explain how it all happened.

I grew up in an incredible family. The gospel and Jesus Christ were most definitely the center of our home. I have two of the most amazing parents who just get it. And they did everything possible to help me to just get it. I have an older brother and 2 older sisters who were pretty darn good examples. I knew what I was supposed to do and I always knew how to do it.

I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon was true, that Heavenly Father loves me and all that comes with it. No doubts in my mind.

High school had it's high points, definitely its low points too. My testimony stayed in tact, I just forgot that it was still there every once in a while. You better believe I never missed a day of church, never sluffed seminary, got good grades, never even snuck out of the house! You could say I was a pretty darn good kid. Or something like that...

There was a good 6 months where that testimony fell by the wayside. The very simple and very important things stopped. My Book of Mormon sat unopened on my lamp table and my knees fell to the floor only when convenient: so pretty much never. Making choices became easy because the only person I worried about was me.

Guilt came and was easily swept under the rug where I didn't have to worry about it. Countless words of advice from my parents went unheeded. Church and seminary became routine time-fillers. And my spirit was shoved into some deep corner of me, where it could stay until I was ready to pay it attention.

I'm not sure what brought me to a breaking point. It might have been the right words from my mom or a friend. It could have been something I heard at church. But I think it was mostly that my spirit wouldn't allow me to starve it any longer. Satan had had his turn and God was ready to have me back.

In the middle of my senior year of high school, I sat in my bed one night staring at the opposite wall, wondering how I possibly got to the point I was. I finally realized that I was on a path to unhappiness; a life far from God.

I was ashamed to talk to Him but I slipped my feet out of the covers and onto the floor where I knelt and prayed aloud for the first time in what seemed a very, very long time.

As I expressed my shame and guilt for neglecting the truths I used to treasure, a feeling of incredible solitude came over me. I felt more spiritually dead than ever before. I had never had to truely beg for anything in my life until this moment when I plead for forgiveness and light. More than anything I wanted to feel the my Heavenly Father's love through the Holy Ghost.

I closed my despondent prayer and with my head in my hands I reflected on the choices I had begun to make.

Plainly, the words "Enos 4" came to my mind. Without hesitation I reached for my scriptures and flipped to the table of contents to find the book of Enos, because truthfully, I had no idea where it was. I was lead to page 136 in the Book of Mormon where I read, starting in verse 4:

"And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker,

and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul;

and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, 

and when the night came I did still raise my voice high

that it reached the heavens.

"And there came a voice unto me, saying;

Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed."

The very moment I read the words, I was overcome with greater relief than I could ever put into words. As I sat on the floor, holding my knees to my chest, I truely wept for the first time. It was as if every weight, every burden, every feeling of guilt, instantly disappeared and I was left feeling a closeness to God that I have never again experienced. The only words I had were,

"Thank you, Father..."

I turned back to Enos and continued to read,

"And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie;

wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

"And I said: Lord, how is it done?

"And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ,

whom thous hast never before heard nor seen..."

A lot has happened since that night. My trials continued and I still made many mistakes. Even some of the same mistakes. But I never forgot the feeling of unadulterated joy that Heavenly Father had given me in a time of critical need.

 

To be continued...

2 Nephi 2:11

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things...
If these things are not, there is no God"

He Waits

We had a very tender Zone Conference today. As Christmas approaches, so does the anticipation of severe homesickness. To help us "get out of ourselves", our incredible Mission President and his wife centered everything about this meeting on the Savior. We spoke of His birth, His life, and of His death. And more than anything, we spoke of His infinite atoning sacrifice.

Elder Graziano was asked to share the things that He has done to help Him remain humble and close to the Savior. Tears filled Elder Graziano's eyes as he described the Son of God, pleading to His Father to remove this cup and that he would do anything to prevent himself from being that last drop that made the cup overflow.

Sin is a major obstacle in life; mine included! I seek to do better, seek forgiveness, seek to rid myself of the guilt that comes from mistakes: but, more often than not, I forget to seek the Savior. Closeness with Him comes from taking steps toward Him. He must become real to us. We must pray with sincerity and believe Christ when He says that He knows and loves us. The day will come when we will realize that we cannot find relief on our own.

He patiently waits.



Thanks Mom!

Mothers are somehow given an extra sense. They just seem to know exactly what you need to hear and exactly when you need to hear it. Now, without bias, my mom is the best there is. And at just the right time, she said just the right thing:

 "We know it would be so easy to give up and come home and be where you’re comfortable and secure.  But I commend you for pressing on—every day.  I know you get tired, frustrated, and feel homesick; but I also have read your emails that have taught me and strengthened my testimony.  I have seen you grow stronger, not only in your testimony; but through the trials and challenges that you face.  You keep coming out on top—as you forge on with faith every, every day. As I look at your missionary chart with all the little black dots that represent every day that you have been gone, I realize that they are not just trivial little dots.  They represent days of sacrifice and hard work. Days filled with time on your knees, and time in tears.  Days of frustration, loneliness, fear, and homesickness.  But also days of understanding and learning, days filled with faith, satisfaction, and even jubilation!  Those dots are sacred to me and every day I place one on the chart, I feel great  pride and incredible love."

Sure love you Mom!!

My Family is 4-Ever

I know that my family is eternal. Because of a temple sealing,

each of these little kiddos is with my family permanently; in this life and the next.

I can't imagine a happy life without each of my sweet nieces and nephews.

In fact, it wouldn't seem like much of a life at all.

Family Pictures

Be Healed

...Said they unto Him, How were thine eyes opened?

He answered and said, A man that is called Jesus made clay,

and anointed mine eyes,and said unto me,

Go to the pool of Siloam, and wash: and I went and washed,

and I received sight.

- John 9:11-12

Almost a year ago I went to an exhibit of Mark Mabry's in Idaho Falls. I slowly admired each photograph depicting events in the life of Jesus Christ. I came to a photo called "Healing" and was awe struck. Not by the lighting or the costume, or even by the incredible realism; but by the expression of unadulterated concern on the face of the Savior as he healed his brother.

I know, as I come to Him with the pains of life, He wears same expression of complete love as He heals his little sister.

Words of Wisdom

The other morning I was looking in the mirror and remembered a phrase my Grandma T is famous for...

"pretty IS as pretty DOES"

As I measured myself up I said to myself,

"Sister Jensen, be as pretty on the inside as you want to be on the outside"

So when I pass a mirror, I search extra hard to see how I'm REALLY lookin'.

Patience

The last few days haven't been some of my most gracefull. For a multitude of reasons. But mostly, I've just been a real downer.

(which is really a bummer because I just did that whole thing on "looking up")

I so badly wanted to feel the Spirit while Sister Valentine and I worked, but I kept finding myself thinking about how much I want to be home for Christmas, how much I wish we could teach more people, how much I wish I could change this, that, and everyone else.

My spirit was runnin on low...

So, in an attempt to overcome my own negativism and frustration, I finally studied patience. And here's what I found -

"...and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your affictions"

- Alma 34:40-41

 

"...by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet bove all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst."

- Alma 32:41-42

"We count them happy which endure..."

-James 5:10-11

 

"Be still and know that I am God"

-Psalm 46:10

And I realized, the really tough and scary and hard and unfair and mean things that happen to me...they will end, and I will be left with a better, less scared, less hard, less unfair, less mean...

 

ME

...if i just practice some patience.

It Is Better

I have been a missionary for close to 8 months. Unfortunately, I've spent a lot of those eight months with my head down and my eyes looking no further than a few feet ahead. I had no idea the force of the tempation to see only the immediate stress, frustration, anxiety, and fear. And ya know, having tunnel vision makes for a pretty depressed life. But guess what!



...because according to President Thomas S. Monson, "it is better to look UP".

"We will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance-and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to LOOK UP and the courage to follow His direction.

 



So from here on out I am looking at the big picture - every hard day or moment is worth it because God asked me to do it and He will give me a great reward. There are bigger, more substantial things that right-now's anxieties.

"...we are heavenly Father's children. He wants to be a part of our lives, to bless us, and to help us. He will heal our wounds, dry our tears, and help us along our path to return to His presence. As we look to Him, He will lead us."-Elder Ian S. Ardern

Thanks Elder Davis!

For whatever reason, I've spent the last 48 hours holding my head in my hands and shaking it back and forth (ya know how you do when you've done something to make youreself look like a complete fool). At one point my Zone Leader, Elder Davis, even whispered over to my companion and I, "Dignity Sisters....dignity".

So the point of this blog is just that - 

I've reflected on his comment and on how in the world to save myself from future embarassment and I came across a quote that gave me the insight I was looking for: 

"Dignity does not float down from heaven it cannot be purchased nor manufactured. It is a reward reserved for those who labor with diligence."

And that's what I plan to do; labor with diligence. The moments where my dignity seems to have slipped right through my fingers are when I'm seeking to prove a point, seeking to elevate myself, or some other selfish design.

To gain dignity back we must forget ourselves and labor for the Lord.