My Story -

I never, I mean I really NEVER, planned on serving a mission.That was for boys and....other girls. Not for me. Let's be honest, I just wasn't up to it. And that was A-OK with me. In fact, I was going to get married right out of high school, have the average 1.5 children and live happily ever after as a through-and-through house wife. End of story. But, somehow, here I am. Let's rewind a little ways and I'll explain how it all happened.

I grew up in an incredible family. The gospel and Jesus Christ were most definitely the center of our home. I have two of the most amazing parents who just get it. And they did everything possible to help me to just get it. I have an older brother and 2 older sisters who were pretty darn good examples. I knew what I was supposed to do and I always knew how to do it.

I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon was true, that Heavenly Father loves me and all that comes with it. No doubts in my mind.

High school had it's high points, definitely its low points too. My testimony stayed in tact, I just forgot that it was still there every once in a while. You better believe I never missed a day of church, never sluffed seminary, got good grades, never even snuck out of the house! You could say I was a pretty darn good kid. Or something like that...

There was a good 6 months where that testimony fell by the wayside. The very simple and very important things stopped. My Book of Mormon sat unopened on my lamp table and my knees fell to the floor only when convenient: so pretty much never. Making choices became easy because the only person I worried about was me.

Guilt came and was easily swept under the rug where I didn't have to worry about it. Countless words of advice from my parents went unheeded. Church and seminary became routine time-fillers. And my spirit was shoved into some deep corner of me, where it could stay until I was ready to pay it attention.

I'm not sure what brought me to a breaking point. It might have been the right words from my mom or a friend. It could have been something I heard at church. But I think it was mostly that my spirit wouldn't allow me to starve it any longer. Satan had had his turn and God was ready to have me back.

In the middle of my senior year of high school, I sat in my bed one night staring at the opposite wall, wondering how I possibly got to the point I was. I finally realized that I was on a path to unhappiness; a life far from God.

I was ashamed to talk to Him but I slipped my feet out of the covers and onto the floor where I knelt and prayed aloud for the first time in what seemed a very, very long time.

As I expressed my shame and guilt for neglecting the truths I used to treasure, a feeling of incredible solitude came over me. I felt more spiritually dead than ever before. I had never had to truely beg for anything in my life until this moment when I plead for forgiveness and light. More than anything I wanted to feel the my Heavenly Father's love through the Holy Ghost.

I closed my despondent prayer and with my head in my hands I reflected on the choices I had begun to make.

Plainly, the words "Enos 4" came to my mind. Without hesitation I reached for my scriptures and flipped to the table of contents to find the book of Enos, because truthfully, I had no idea where it was. I was lead to page 136 in the Book of Mormon where I read, starting in verse 4:

"And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker,

and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul;

and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, 

and when the night came I did still raise my voice high

that it reached the heavens.

"And there came a voice unto me, saying;

Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed."

The very moment I read the words, I was overcome with greater relief than I could ever put into words. As I sat on the floor, holding my knees to my chest, I truely wept for the first time. It was as if every weight, every burden, every feeling of guilt, instantly disappeared and I was left feeling a closeness to God that I have never again experienced. The only words I had were,

"Thank you, Father..."

I turned back to Enos and continued to read,

"And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie;

wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

"And I said: Lord, how is it done?

"And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ,

whom thous hast never before heard nor seen..."

A lot has happened since that night. My trials continued and I still made many mistakes. Even some of the same mistakes. But I never forgot the feeling of unadulterated joy that Heavenly Father had given me in a time of critical need.

 

To be continued...